In my work with couples, I often see how it’s not the absence of conflict, but the presence of consistent connection that predicts long-term relational health. I often remind partners that the strength of a relationship isn’t just tested in moments of conflict—it’s built in the quiet, everyday moments in between.

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. However, the way we communicate during those conflicts can either strengthen or weaken the connection we share with our partners. Many of us believe we’re communicating effectively, but the real issue often lies not in what we’re saying, but in how we’re saying it.

Fight, flight or freeze are the three primary expressions of our survival response and each can be essential for our survival in situations where our survival is truly at stake. However, when survival responses get triggered by common interpersonal conflict, when there are no real survival based threats, these responses may create more problems than they solve.