How to Talk About Finances in Your Relationship: From Avoidance to Agreement
“The deepest intimacy comes when we dare to speak the things we’re afraid will drive someone away.”
Money and Sex
Talking about finances can be like talking about sex. Some couples are comfortable having explicit conversations about these topics. They are willing and able to be open and vulnerable, sharing their hopes, fears, desires, and expectations. But many couples feel uncomfortable discussing these topics and avoid these conversations altogether, despite having strong feelings and expectations.
As the cost of living has skyrocketed in recent years and wages have largely not kept up, there is an increasing need for couples to get on the same page about their financial goals and circumstances. Individual debt burdens, differences in earning power, and spending habits are all relevant to relationship success and potential minefields for disagreement and conflict.
The Thread That Binds
You can hardly find an important relationship topic that doesn't in some way intersect with money. Decisions about where to live and who to live with, changing jobs, having kids, and taking vacations are all impossible to navigate without some consideration of your financial means and expectations. It can be difficult to tease apart a fear of change or apprehension about having a child from the fear of financial insecurity.
Fear and Avoidance
So what should we do about this? Should we avoid talking about it because of anxiety and uncertainty and hope it works out, then fight about differences in expectations and spending habits when we are forced to confront them? Obviously not, but this is what many couples do. To be captain obvious for a moment, it is scary to talk about our fears. It is scary because of the fears themselves and also because of the potential implications for our relationships. What if I'm judged or rejected because of my income, my debt, or my spending habits? What if I'm judged or rejected because I'm seen as too stingy or uptight about money, or too indulgent and materialistic?
Just like with sex, some couples get lucky and their desires, needs, expectations, and abilities perfectly line up with those of their partners, and they don't need to have a lot of explicit conversations to get on the same page. For the majority of relationships, communication about finances is both necessary and desirable for the sake of the relationship and to ensure that each individual is keeping themselves safe and making good decisions.
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Conversations and Agreements
While there are no hard-set rules for communication, it can give you confidence when you have some clarity and structure for these conversations.
Good Intentions
Starting with an acknowledgment of the good intentions behind the need for these conversations can be a great way to prime each of you for a positive outcome and have a reference point to orient yourselves back to this good intention if you get lost in details or if disagreements emerge. This might sound like: "I want to talk to you about our finances and how we plan on making financial decisions because I really want us to both feel good about our decisions and I want to avoid any unnecessary conflict."
Acknowledging Fear or Hesitation
If you notice hesitation or anxiety coming up for you about having these conversations, working together to identify the fears and planning for them can increase confidence and help you stay on track. You could make a simple table like this and fill in your own responses:
Time Limits and External Support
As mentioned in the table above, having clear time limits and scheduled meetings can be important to make these conversations doable and not feel overwhelming. Also, understanding and articulating the limits of your knowledge and when you need to reach out for external support is important as well. Many questions can be answered with some resourceful internet research, but sometimes you may also want to book time with someone who can assist you with what you are missing or needing. Recognizing that you are not on your own to figure this all out and that you have time is important in making these conversations feel more manageable.
Legal Implications of Relationship Distress
With great communication and good financial planning, many common pitfalls that lead to financial stress and relationship conflict can be avoided, but there are also real financial and legal realities that should be considered as well. While everyone hopes their relationship will last forever, relationships are financial entities as well as human entities, and one needs to consider the implications of entering into a financial relationship with their partner, just as they would if they were entering into a business relationship. It is not sexy, but neither are legal battles and financial hardship.
Living together, getting married, having kids, and moving in with in-laws—all of these choices can have financial and legal implications. Not having clear and fair agreements in place when things are going well can lead to real problems if relationships start to fracture. Financial fears and stressors can become weapons in the arsenal of painful conflict patterns, and adversarial legal battles can tear families apart.
Prenuptial and Cohabitation Agreements
An increasingly common question that we are encountering as relationship therapists is the role of prenuptial and cohabitation agreements. Many of us think that these types of legal agreements are only for people with significant wealth or are unnecessary because of the built-in protections in family law. As couple and family therapists, we are not legal experts, but we do see the fallout from the absence of agreements.
Whenever couples are moving toward separation or divorce, if there appears to be any risk that they won't arrive at amicable agreements regarding finances or custody, I strongly encourage clients to connect with trained mediators or collaborative family lawyers who are committed to finding common ground and fair agreements, instead of relying on adversarial legal processes that can lead to significant financial and emotional distress. As important as all of this is, it doesn't make up for the absence of clear agreements ahead of time. Good will early in the relationship is not always enough to guarantee an amicable and fair separation of financial interests.
Can Therapists Help You Make Prenuptial or Cohabitation Agreements?
Since we are not lawyers, we tend to stay away from helping clients create agreements that could have legal implications. While we can certainly help you create agreements for sharing responsibilities, managing conflict, and getting on the same page with parenting, we recommend consulting with lawyers or using an online platform that helps couples create their own prenuptial and cohabitation agreements if you are wanting to create something that is legally binding.
What If We Can't Find Resolution?
Most of the time, the absence of resolution on topics like finances stems from some combination of unhealthy communication patterns, an unwillingness to engage, and difficulty in facing certain financial realities or limitations. While there is no guaranteed path toward resolution, there are few circumstances where not talking about important issues leads to greater clarity and resolution. While you can't make someone talk to you about money, knowing that your partner or potential long-term partner is unwilling to talk to you about finances is important information too. It is also good to know if you don't share values or goals or are unwilling to work to find common ground. However, in most cases, with a little open-mindedness and a willingness to reach out for support when needed, these conversations can lead to an overall reduction in financial stress and the prevention of financially related conflict
Nat Roman | Founder & Clinical Director of Couple Therapy Toronto, MSc RP RMFT
Nat has a long background in meditation, Buddhist psychology and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) practices. He has taught and mentored others within the context of traditional Buddhist retreats, workshops on mindfulness and compassionate communication practices, and individual, couple and family therapy sessions.
In an earlier stage of life Nat worked as musician and strongly believes that creativity is an essential part of life, whether one is engaged in a formal creative discipline, problem solving, or attempting to get kids off to school in the morning.