It is normal during an argument or difficult conversation, in "the heat of the moment", for our bodies to go into a heightened state of arousal - it is the same physiological response, our survival mechanism, that is triggered to protect us when we see a bear as when we feel the threat (either real or perceived) of our partner leaving us, being disappointed in us, or not respecting us.
The particular things that are said or done that send us into this state, and the ways we react when in survival mode, are different for everybody depending on our life experiences. These differences include family upbringing, trauma, experiences of discrimination, dynamics in past relationships, and having a more sensitive nervous system.
Window of tolerance
Right now, we all have the collective experience of the ongoing pandemic, and for many of us our baseline anxiety is heightened. When our nervous system is aroused because of anxiety or a perceived threat to our well being, we lose some of the capacity that is normally available to us regulate our emotions and make sense of our experience. The optimal range of nervous system activation that allows us to self-regulate and make sense of our experience is sometimes referred to as our "window of tolerance” (WOT; concept coined by Daniel Siegel).
Fight, flight and freeze
Our window of tolerance is the zone of arousal where our nervous systems are most regulated, we feel a sense of safety, and are able to function, communicate, and connect most effectively. When we leave this zone we go into our survival mode of "fight, flight, or, freeze".
Fight, flight or freeze are the three primary expressions of our survival response and each can be essential for our survival in situations where our survival is truly at stake. However, when survival responses get triggered by common interpersonal conflict, when there are no real survival based threats, these responses may create more problems than they solve.
In interpersonal conflict, the "fight" response can look like: anger/yelling, blaming, criticizing, running after. "Flight" can look like: walking away/storming off, emotionally withdrawing. And, "Freeze"- shutting down, going numb/not feeling anything. Another expression of the flight response, that can be more common with women, is "appease"- giving in, trying to make the other person happy or smooth everything over (when you don't actually feel ok with things). This will be familiar for anyone who is conflict avoidant or in relationship with someone who is conflict avoidant.
All of these responses are common in couple conflict, but if it becomes the norm it is going to get in the way of feeling connected, heard, and understood in your relationship.
Problem solving & communicating
In survival mode we get disconnected from the parts of our brain that allow us to think through things/problem-solve, connect, and communicate effectively. It becomes harder to perspective-take, problem-solve, be curious, patient, compassionate, and have space to meet our own and others' emotions with empathy. You can see then how trying to communicate about something important when we’re outside of our WOT would be frustrating, unproductive, and at times destructive.
Help I'm in survival mode again
With these essential faculties compromised, it becomes clear how trying to communicate about something important when we’re outside of our WOT would be frustrating, unproductive, and at times destructive. The good news is there are things we can do to help us stay in our WOT, or get ourselves back there if we’ve left.
Developing more self-awareness (especially getting to know signals from our body) can help us identify when we're out of our WOT, or nearing the edge, so we can do something to help regulate our nervous system and get ourselves back "online".
Once we are aware that we are dysregulated, we can use the strategy “name it to tame it” (Daniel Siegel) - naming our emotions, or even naming the fact that we’re starting to become dysregulated, can help ground us so we can “be with” the emotional experience rather than being overwhelmed by it.
When we’re in “hypo-arousal” (freeze): Doing something activating. Physical activity and moving our body in any way (this could be more intense exercise or going for a walk, stretching, doing a few push ups); doing something stimulating that’s enjoyable (this will vary, but examples could be listening to music, dancing, watching something funny); anything that stimulates the senses- e.g. smelling essential oils.
When we're in “hyper-arousal” (fight/flight): Doing something calming. Physical activity can also be helpful here, but for the purpose of releasing built up energy rather than increasing energy. Anything that feels calming/soothing- relaxing music, a bath, slow deep breathing. Sometimes putting our energy and attention into a simple activity such as cleaning can help us move through the stress response.
Sidebar
In using these strategies we're not saying that these emotions are "bad" or that we need to "get rid" of them, rather, we are getting our brains and bodies to a state where we have space to be more present with our feelings and our partner's feelings. In being present to our emotions without being overwhelmed by them, we can communicate about how we’re feeling rather than reacting from a feeling. This helps us to communicate in a way that feels good to us, is productive, and is more in line with the kind of partner we want to be.
It can be good to practice increasing awareness and self-soothing in situations on our own first (such as challenging work scenarios), so we can bring that knowledge and awareness into more challenging times in our relationship.
Stay tuned for more strategies that can help support effective communication when you notice leaving your WOT during conflict with your partner.
Sarah Nobel is a Registered Psychotherapist with a Master of Science in Couple and Family Therapy, and a BA in Psychology with a minor in Social Justice and Peace Studies. Sarah is a practitioner of Zen meditation, and these philosophies and values inform the way she thinks about and works with problems in her own life and in her work with clients.